First day of a new job.

First days are weird for most people, right? A bit stressful wouldn't you say? You really don't know what to expect. You wonder what your coworkers will be like. The first day of a new job is like starting your first day at a new school but worse because you could get fired.

For one thing, employers expect you to live up to all your resume and interview hype. Plus, you have to try and fit in with the cool kids. It's like high school all over again.

Today was my first day at a brand new OOD. I think it could have gone a tad better. I'm just praying they don't regret their decision to hire me. It wasn't a complete disaster and I'm sure I'm hypercritical of myself but it just felt off. Anyway, here's how it went:

...I showed up on time - thank you! I went through security to get my little badge of temporary access and off I went. First, I was shown to my desk loaded with nice new equipment waiting for me inside my cube. Two computer screens people. What the hell. Not expecting that - nice! Upon deeper investigation - that was it - just the computer. No pens or sticky notes. Not even a trash can. Good thing I brought my own pad and pen with me. Next came the office tour and the super fun new employee introductions. Someone pointed out that I got the "bathroom cubicle." Yep, I sure did just like my last gig. Not much has changed. Everyone seems really nice even the person who kindly pointed out my desk is next to the crapper. I'm sure she meant well.

After all the introductions, it was back to the desk to get to work. First item on the agenda was to get set up in the computer system. I had to log in and set up a user name and password so I could access my computer. Easy right? Nope. Apparently I was assigned the same security system the FBI uses. What is up with security systems these days where you need some magic password that makes absolutely no sense and like hell you'll ever remember it? Still, it shouldn't take the length of time it took me to get mine right. After the 10th attempt and error message, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. And with my boss standing over my shoulder surely wondering how he could have hired such an idiot only made things worse. I finally gave up. Clearly, I'm incompetent and should just go home. What the heck am I doing wrong. Nothing really. The computer was just being a total asshole and when I changed one little thing it was like a veil had been lifted. Passwords continued to haunt me the rest of the day.

The phone also had a good laugh at my expense. It seems my new OOD just got a new phone system. Nobody really showed me how to operate the phone. I didn't make a big deal of it thinking surely I can figure it out myself. I have used a phone before. Still it would have been nice for a quick tutorial seeing that phone systems are unique but hey let's skip it and let me teach you 20 other things at once instead. Cool? Sure. But later the phone reared it's ugly receiver at me and had a good laugh. While trying to install a new program on my computer per the instructions from the IT department, something went wrong. No big deal. The email warned something might go wrong and in the event that it did just dial the help line for assistance. That's when the phone became possessed each time I picked up the receiver making loud repetitive beeps. Nothing I pushed made the beeping stop. Hadn't we used this stupid thing earlier I thought? What the hell have I done to screw this thing up! So, with my tail between my legs, I had to go ask for help on how to make my insane phone stop beeping. Turns out it wasn't my fault at all and there were a lot of people having trouble but it was just one other thing that I felt I was not doing right. At least the IT guy took the time to tell me how to make an outside phone call. Dial 9, people. Duh.

Once I got past being humiliated by both the phone and my computer, it was time to tackle learning the actual duties of my job. Did I mention how nice everyone seemed? I just want to preface that at least the people are nice. I just wish there was an instruction manual for my job.. I'm thinking my manager has not trained anyone before so the process might be a little painful. I'm sure my manager knows how to do the work. I bet it's like when you know exactly how to get from point A to B because you take that path everyday but you don't know the names of the streets but you still know how to get there. And then someone who has never been to point B asks you for directions on how to get there but shit you don't know the street names. Or maybe I'm just a moron and need a GPS. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I think it will be better.

Thanks, Spike Lee.

Somebody at the OOD has been watching Do The Right Thing.

It's a blog. Don't take it so seriously - just figuratively.

So...my last day. It was good. It was a tiny bit sad but more than anything it was fun. Since I've been busting my ass for the past two weeks, my last day was pretty smooth sailing. Every thing I did was a last for me at the Office of Doom. Even the last trip to the OOD ladies room was an event. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I thought wow, this is the last time I'll be here. I know it's silly. But I've been there for EIGHT years, people. That's a long time.

The 5 o'clock whistle blew one last time for me at the OOD and my fellow Doomers and I strolled out the door to my farewell party. Everyone was so sweet. Especially Splenda which is a little ironic. She was the sweetest of them all these last two weeks. She even made me her famous dish to eat one last time just for me and she got me a card and a box of chocolates.

We went to the restaurant where Doomers go to end their OOD careers for a party. Even Napoleon showed up which was surprising. He seemed very sincere to say what a good job I've done and that he would miss me. Awe. So sweet. Why do the wait until you are out the door to be nice? It would have been nice of PAB to make a toast but he didn't.

The real surprise was when I opened the goodbye card signed by all the Doomers and the farewell gift. Yes, a gift! Hold onto your pants! PAB splurged on an iPod Shuffle! I couldn't believe it because he's always so darn tight with his money which he fully displayed for everyone when he complained about the $1.25 per Doomer cake plate charge the restaurant would give if we ate the cake they brought. To avoid further awkwardness, Loca chimed in that she would pay for the plate fee since PAB was making such a scene. I said, "No. You will not. The Office of Doom will pay for it. I've given them 8 years and the least they can do is pony up $10 to eat the cake you bought." Because, seriously what the hell am I going to do with an entire cake? (My name was spelled wrong too. Really? 8 years folks, get it right.) PAB didn't dare protest so we had our cake. Everyone shared their funniest memory of me and you know, it was a really sweet send off. Even Violet showed up! It was perfect.

Now, my new adventure begins. I slept in a little late this morning and I think I'll enjoy my Friday which means I'll be cleaning. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend and stay tuned for tales from the all new Home Office of Doom!

The first step to recovery

is admitting you have a problem.

Or something like that..

I'm obviously a lunatic. Here I've been all these years bitching and moaning about the OOD and today I make an internal decision to resign (tomorrow) and accept previously mentioned job at Snoozefest and what the hell did I do all day? Cry about it. Yes, folks I'm a moron and a baby. Of course, nobody at the OOD even knew I was crying because they all live in fucking cocoons - except for Chatty who has been super duper supportive and kept me from going all crazytown. I prolonged making the decision for as long as I could this morning (the terrible-decision-making officianodo here) until finally when Snoozefest boss lady called me up to find out my answer. "Ok, I guess I'll take the job" I said. Ok, I tried to feign more excitement thaen that but in my HEAD that is what I'm saying. Snoozefest boss lady - man, I've got to come up with a better name - was so nice. I am talking really nice with her, "I'm so happy to have you on board" and "You are going to be great here" and "I know this was a big leap for you but it is going to be ok". Nice lady.

So why am I so cou-cou for cocoa puffs? My husband - poor thing - has listened to me flip and flop with the 'I don't knows'...'Is this the right move for me?' - has managed to not knock me upside my head told me this afternoon as I sobbed on the phone about accepting the job. He says, "Lola, why are you crying? Would you stay with a boyfriend who beats you?"

Head down, mid-sob, I say "No."

"Of course, you wouldn't," he says matter of factly. "The OOD is like an abusive boyfriend who beats you and you're the shattered girlfriend who stays. Why! You are letting all of those beatings keep you down and letting all of that insecurity do this to you. You have to stop. You have to leave the abusive boyfriend." And while this is just an analogy and noone at the OOD has ever given me literal beatings what he says makes perfect sense to me. I'm absofuckinglutely INSANE.

I need help. (and microsoft office bootlegs too for vista for my new Home Office of Doom so hit me up if you've got a copy to send me)

Welcome and goodbye?

I would like to give a shout out to "downtown" Julie Brown, the OOD's newest Doomer. She's an off site doomer meaning she doesn't work at the original Office of Doom. I guess Violet is technically an off site doomer now too. Hmm..will I be the next to defect?

It just so happens that I've been given a way out. I, Lola Newstead, have been offered another job. Whoopie! Right? I mean, shouldn't I be ultra excited and thrilled beyond measure? I feel like I should be doing cartwheels but I'm not. Am I being unrealistic? Have I been out of the job search for so long is it possible that I'm not seeing things clearly?

Am I just escaping from the Office of Doom? It does feel that way. I'm such an idiot because that is what I've been wanting for so long! This job offer is like the golden carrot dangling in front of me taunting me with "You know you want it" just take it. But do I want it? Yes and no.

Yes, I want to get away from said OOD but am I accepting the first carrot to come my way? It would be a huge change for me which is scary. I'm afraid I won't like it. I think the fact that I've already dubbed said new job "Snoozefest" isn't the best of signs. There are some positives to Snoozefest like working from home which might also be a bad thing. I've never done that before so I'm not sure what to expect or how I would handle this arrangement. Also, Snoozefest seems to have a really nice boss who seems fair and seems to know what a good boss should act like. Always a plus.

This is such a huge thing for me to figure out and I'm not so good at decisions. I am supposed to make one by the morning. I suppose I'll sleep on it and say a good prayer for some guidance which means I'll toss and turn all night long and look like I've been drowning beers at the nearby pub by tomorrow.

Where are all the awesome blog followers with their good advice when you need them? Dammit Office of Doom for not taking off like we'd hoped. Now would be a great time to get about a thousand hits on OOD.

What Dream (Jobs) are Made Of

It's been three weeks since I departed The OOD. My first several days at my new job have been good. I still have that new person vibe. I don't know everyone and I don't know where all the bathrooms are in the building, but all in all everything's good.

I miss Lola, but not The OOD. She has been good about filling me in on the shenanigans there since I left and I get to gloat about Free Bagel Friday's and paid lunch meetings at my new job. She's taken it pretty well.

I must be honest....work is still work. I guess nothing is perfect, but for now this will do. I'm kinda tied to a cubicle and my new office is super quiet. There are no Fatty-esque bosses who can't lead themselves out of a wet paper bag and there are no PAB's in charge of everything but showing little interest in you.

Instead, my new supervisor is super sweet. She has been patient, kind, caring and understanding....all that a good supervisor should be.

Dare I call my new place of work the NEW OOD (the Office of Delight?)

Maybe I shouldn't jump the gun just yet.

P.S. Hang in there Lo!